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Random Thoughts


My brain often goes 800mph. Today is no different. A myriad of thoughts swirl around waiting for me to play with them for a bit. Along with the few represented here are thoughts about school, my children, future goals, my to-do list, and so much more. The three here are the ones that have taken up the majority of my headspace recently.

SEAN’S HOMECOMING
This morning I learned that Sean is returning from his deployment earlier than my arrival out west. I will not be one of the first to hug him tight when he is finally released into the civilian world. I called the airline to see about changing my ticket. $600 to make the change. That won’t be happening. As I was sinking into the doldrums, I realized I get to give my boy a hug. Today is the two-year anniversary of the death of SPC Lucas Elliot. I never had the honor to meet Lucas. Instead, I know of him through his mother and friends. None of who had the opportunity to welcome him home with a hug. When shifting my perspective just a bit, I realize how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to hold my boy tight regardless of when it is.

CONFIDENCE
A couple weeks ago it happened. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know what caused it. But I felt it. All the negativity that had been cursing through me was replaced with happiness and joy. The hate and anger I was harboring towards everything that has to do with separation and divorce left me. I felt it leave my body and be replaced with all that is positive. A funny thing happened as a result. When I got on Layla to ride yesterday, I felt at one with her for the first time since the day I laid her down in the gravel. I did not keep it slow and over think every turn the way I had been. I rode. I felt the wind in my face. I felt free.

TIME WITH ME
Oh, how far I have come! When married, any time I got to have time with me was like a vacation whether it was a weekend away or going to a movie alone. When I left the marriage and chose to be alone, time alone changed from something peaceful to something scary and sad. Slowly, I am developing a friendship with me. How liberating to know that I can enjoy time by myself without drowning in loneliness. 

Weaving through all my thoughts and thinking is the thread that holds it all together...Life is good! 

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