Skip to main content

Random Thoughts


My brain often goes 800mph. Today is no different. A myriad of thoughts swirl around waiting for me to play with them for a bit. Along with the few represented here are thoughts about school, my children, future goals, my to-do list, and so much more. The three here are the ones that have taken up the majority of my headspace recently.

SEAN’S HOMECOMING
This morning I learned that Sean is returning from his deployment earlier than my arrival out west. I will not be one of the first to hug him tight when he is finally released into the civilian world. I called the airline to see about changing my ticket. $600 to make the change. That won’t be happening. As I was sinking into the doldrums, I realized I get to give my boy a hug. Today is the two-year anniversary of the death of SPC Lucas Elliot. I never had the honor to meet Lucas. Instead, I know of him through his mother and friends. None of who had the opportunity to welcome him home with a hug. When shifting my perspective just a bit, I realize how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to hold my boy tight regardless of when it is.

CONFIDENCE
A couple weeks ago it happened. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know what caused it. But I felt it. All the negativity that had been cursing through me was replaced with happiness and joy. The hate and anger I was harboring towards everything that has to do with separation and divorce left me. I felt it leave my body and be replaced with all that is positive. A funny thing happened as a result. When I got on Layla to ride yesterday, I felt at one with her for the first time since the day I laid her down in the gravel. I did not keep it slow and over think every turn the way I had been. I rode. I felt the wind in my face. I felt free.

TIME WITH ME
Oh, how far I have come! When married, any time I got to have time with me was like a vacation whether it was a weekend away or going to a movie alone. When I left the marriage and chose to be alone, time alone changed from something peaceful to something scary and sad. Slowly, I am developing a friendship with me. How liberating to know that I can enjoy time by myself without drowning in loneliness. 

Weaving through all my thoughts and thinking is the thread that holds it all together...Life is good! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Hardest One Yet

 From the time I began this blog, I made the conscious choice that I would be honest and open in the moment – whatever is going on. For the most part, I have done that.  After struggling about whether to write about this particular challenge (let alone share it), I chose to do the uncomfortable and do both – write and share. “Your certification has not even been processed yet. Probably won’t happen until at least the middle of January.”  I took a deep breath as I heard those words a couple weeks ago and I realized what that meant. Christmas would look very different than originally planned. The retroactive pay that Santa was counting on to make the holiday something special for our family would not be coming. I took a deep breath as I hung up the phone and walked out of my classroom, despair bombarding the hope and excitement of the upcoming holiday. A tornado of thoughts began whirling in my head as I walked to the guidance office. Playing with our budget in my head trying to
7 comments
Read more

The Next Chapter Begins...

The first round of tears happened during the 8 th grade promotion. It has been such a wonderful year with all of them – 7 th and 8 th graders alike. The second round of tears came when I learned I do not have a contract for next year. I will not be returning to Benson Middle School unless the displaced teachers do not jump at the chance for my classroom.   Right after she told me, I did my best to remain professional and keep the tears at bay. Unfortunately, they came anyway. About the time the tears hit my eyes, an email a dear friend sent me when I first wrote about the contract situation came to mind: “There is always a reason for things. Maybe God wants you to move on and inspire other students.” I love what she says. I feel that with my whole being. However, it did not make hearing that I have no job any easier. So now what? I am floating off the edge again. My family began the year in two different states. We are reunited again in North Carolina. Both Tony and I with
7 comments
Read more

Aging sucks.....or does it?

Upon first thought, watching a parent age sucks. Unnoticeable at first. A bit of a stoop, some creaking in the knees, whitening of the hair. The doctor’s visits begin, as do the pills One for high blood pressure, another to thin the blood, and a handful of vitamins to top it off. The signs are there, but it is easier to see him as he has always been. My father, a pillar of strength. Until my pillar was knocked off-kilter. A simple surgery and the mortality of my father looked me square in the eye when the drugs took hold of his brain. Amidst his fidgeting and confusion, I realized…AGING SUCKS! And then….enlightenment dawned upon me….AGING IS BEAUTIFUL Wrinkles tell of smiles while silver hair speaks a life of memories. Knees creaky after years of kneeling in prayer, offering up a lap, and climbing up the stairs for one more kiss goodnight. Almost forty-eight years of memories nestled in my heart. Memories of my father. Taking us to church each Sunday Building and fixing
2 comments
Read more