My journey within

A while ago, a friend suggested that I try Reiki to help me with my energy. I felt electric. I had so much coursing through my body, I didn’t know what to do with it. Since that time, I have experienced things that have beat me down. Broken me. My energy is no longer electric. However, I was still curious about it. The day I saw a Groupon for it, I knew I had to give it a try. After waiting four weeks for my appointment, I experienced it today. I share it with you in free verse. 

Some people experience visions, strong emotions,

It brings things to the surface for many

And some go to sleep

She told me.

I will use my energy to become a spotlight for you

And leave you with a flashlight

To continue what begins today

If you so choose.

How you respond is up to you.

In order to give it a fair try, I knew I had to be all in

Open to whatever would come my way

She told me I could take my clothes off or leave them on.

I took them off.

Skin on skin.

I wanted the full experience of the passing of energy.

I laid on the table

And covered myself.

Eyes closed and focused on the music.

As soon as her hands touched my feet,

Tingling began as energy was transferred.

The feeling was nothing new to me.

Often my feet (and hands) tingle.

What was new, were the visions.

The things I saw.

Some were just glimpses

While others lasted longer

Screaming a message to me.

Clothes on in a gas chamber during the Holocaust

A past life?

A representation of death of spirit?

Cupcakes, cupcakes, and more cupcakes

And no desire to partake.

“Food is love.”

I was told a few days ago.

Working hard to get my issue with food under control,

The cupcakes whispered, 

“Go ahead. Imbibe.”

I began to run.

Although the image became fuzzy,

I felt the endorphins.

And then I was dead.

Lying as if in a casket.

I am not ready to die!

Trying to make sense of it, 

The 5 year old me came into clear view,

The me the age I was the first time I was sexually assaulted,

As she got up off the table and walked over to me.

I reached out to her

And held her hand as we walked away.

I watched the two of us become smaller as we got further away.

I know not where I was talking her, but

I held her hand and walked with her until we were out of sight.

A tear rolled down my cheek.

An understanding came…

The old me is dead.

I must mourn what was

Before I begin to become ME.

The message clear as day,

It is time to write a eulogy.

The scene changed to my classroom filled with students

The students who come to see me every day

The kids I sing and dance with

The ones who ask if I am okay when they sense something is off

The ones who trust me with their struggles

My students, so easy to let into my heart.

As her hand moved to my heart,

Strong emotions began

The word “love” came to mind as I focused on individuals.

A bit uneasy at first.

Love is scary!

Until I thought of those who brought out strong feelings in me.

If our energy can be sent out into the universe,

I did just that for those who came to mind.

The miles that separate us mattered not,

I sent my “love”

My children

My only son in Korea far away from his wife,

My daughter, the mechanic-in-training,

My youngest, willing to speak her mind regardless of what others think.

My family

My sister and the incredible woman she is,

My brother the caretaker,

My father who loves me unconditionally,

My mother, the strong, brave, and courageous .

My friends,

Those feeling alone,

Those struggling,

Those who are facing mortality.

Those I can be myself around.

Their spirits were with me as I allowed myself to feel.

As she touched my head and heart

The uniting of knowledge and emotion began.

A peace settled over me.

“Take your time coming out.”

I laid there for awhile

Feeling,

Letting the tears flow,

Knowing my journey continues.

“Your energy is like a calm, flowing stream.

Like any stream, sometimes the water gets rough

And wears away at the rocks.

Eventually, the calm returns.”

And then the idea for my transformation tattoo came…

As I was leaving, I saw this message framed on the wall. It spoke to me. It will become something I read over and over in the next few months as I make my way.

There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down life will pass you by…

Life’s circumstances are not always what you wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan. Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, or tried to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.

Rather than wandering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the “why’s” and “what if’s” and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was ~ is in the past. Whatever is ~ is what’s important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.

Walk your path one step at a time ~ with courage, faith, and determination. Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm, and your footing will be solid again. A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow. 
 
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular and beyond your wildest imaginings. 
 
~ Vicki Silvers