The Power of Secrets

I recently wrote about how sexual abuse I experienced as a child impacted me as an adult. I was surprised at the number of people who called me brave because I spoke about it. It got me thinking about how powerful and destructive secrets can be. We keep things to ourselves because we are ashamed of them. Yet, by protecting the secret, we harm ourselves more. It is when we acknowledge our imperfections that the healing begins.

The day I wrote about how the abuse affected me something in me cracked open. It was not an easy day. I spent the evening sobbing for my lost innocence. I felt the weight of my uncle on me all over again. I heard the neighbor boy telling me what to do in the closet. I saw the man who date raped me ignore me when I said I didn’t want to have sex. All very real feelings. Raw emotions came forth as I felt like I was breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. Yet, with each tear I shed came a fragment of peace and light. Once the secret was out, the power of the past no longer held me prisoner.

We all have secrets. Secrets are prevalent in our society. We keep them to ourselves for fear of what will happen if we share them. We keep them because we are afraid of what other people will think of us. The longer we keep the secret, the longer we lie to ourselves. Regardless of the secret, alcoholism, cheating, sexual orientation, mental illness, or a myriad of others, they hold us hostage to experiencing true happiness and peace.

It is scary to make oneself vulnerable and show people the darkest parts of who we are. One has to find strength deep down to make that first step. The courage to embrace the feeling of being alone that accompanies the truth brings. The determination to leave the negativity of the secret behind. That gut-wrenching acceptance that it has held you hostage. The physical pain is real. It can be debilitating. It can feel like a heart-attack. It can leave you in tears for days or in bed for hours.

Just as real as the pain is the peace that follows. It takes time for wounds to heal. Letting go of secrets leaves gaping wounds. The wounds begin to close in a variety of ways. Sometimes one has the strength to apply first aid on their own. Healing can come through exercise, riding, meditation, spirituality, and a variety of other means. If we try to go at it alone, we often pick up another secret. Thus, the importance of asking for help. We are told all the time that it is okay to ask for help, yet many of us have great difficulty heeding our own advice. Something as simple as contacting a friend has helped me get through some tough stuff many times. And sometimes, friends are not enough. There is such a stigma around mental health issues, people often avoid it even when it could quicken the healing. I have the best therapist in the world. I often go months without seeing her. Sometimes, I keep secrets about what is going on with me. It is when I am able to let her see all the ugliness that hides within me that the real work happens.

The Japanese art of kintsugi uses gold powder to fix broken pottery. The belief is breakage and history are part of the object, rather than something to disguise. I find it more beautiful than an unblemished piece. Just as I find the beauty of the human race in the scars that result from the varying degrees of ugliness we all have endured.