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Fighting Off the Silence


A month! I can hardly believe it has been so long since I have written. This is my third attempt to find what needs to be said. Will it be the final one? Doubtful. (Strange enough – it was the last one!)

Silence has invaded my mind. An uncertainty has crept in…I share the whispers of my soul with the world. Is it time to keep them to myself? I have never before been concerned about speaking my mind. Yet, I find myself holding back when it comes to writing about my passion – teaching. What if my philosophy doesn’t jive with one of my readers? More importantly, what if one of my readers is one of my supervisors. This disquiet is unwelcome, yet I can’t seem to let go of it. I write to settle the swirling in my head. I share because, for some reason, there are people out there who are interested in what I have to say.

There is no doubt that I love what I do. I can’t imagine filling my day with anything else.  In the 18 years that I have been teaching, my job as an educator has changed. I began as a Special Education teacher in a self-contained classroom for behavioral students. It was in that classroom I learned the power of giving students choice. I taught in a girls’ group home and learned the importance of giving students a voice. I taught all subjects at one time or another. From that experience I found I had a passion for teaching reading and writing. Throughout the last ten years, I discovered I have a knack matching students with books and helping them gain confidence in their writing.

However, sometimes the reading and writing students are ready for is uncomfortable for adults. In many instances, I introduce the edgy book to the student (with parent permission, of course). The way I present material in the classroom is frequently done outside of the box. I encourage students to take a risk and advocate for themselves; to try something new; or to write in a new way. My number one goal as a teacher is for my students to have an awareness of what is happening in the world around them. I hope to instill in them the importance of asking questions and speaking up.

Yet, here I am finding it hard follow my own advice. It began in Colorado when I was repeatedly chastised for asking questions and speaking up. The expectation was that I would blindly and silently follow the leader, regardless of whether or not what was being asked of me was good for students. I didn’t speak up quite as much last year. Even so, when I asked why I was the one chosen to not come back, part of the reasoning had to do with me not just going with the flow. Thus, my anxiety about speaking up grows.

I want to be a leader not only in the classroom with my students, but also among my peers. Leaders know when to speak up and when to listen. I want to spend my time this year listening and watching. However, when necessary, I want to speak up. I want to use my writing to reflect upon it all. I know myself well enough to know that I will continue to write to express myself. And I will continue to share it with those who want to listen.

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