Driving home from the race today, Creed’s song Arms Wide Open came on. As I sang along,
an overwhelming sense of joy filled me and spilled from my eyes as I thought
about where I have come in the last few years of my life.
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| Me in 2005 ~ Me in 2013 |
Spank Blasing
I ran my first 5K ever on April 18, 2010. The Spank Blasing
Race in Pueblo, CO. I never saw myself as a runner. Instead, I saw a race as
something I wanted to cross off my list of things to do in my lifetime. My only
goal was to run the entire race and not come in last. I ran as a fat woman, as
in my weight was over 180. A friend who identifies herself as a runner ran with
me the entire time – even when I needed to walk up a hill for a minute. My time
was 36:59. Today I ran a race in Raleigh. Run for our Heros. This time I ran
alone. I had a student and colleague at the race that I saw at the start and
finish line, but when it came to running it was all me. My chip time was 27:13.
In three years of off-and-on running, I took off close to ten minutes! Add to
that I have run two-and-a-half half marathons and will be running a full
marathon in October. It blows my mind. Never in my younger years did I envision
myself as a runner.
Marriage and Separation
I was married for almost 20 years. I was a wife and a
mother. When something went wrong and I needed help, I called on my husband to
take care of it for me. Flat tire.
He came. Forgot something for work. A quick phone call and I would have it. Four
months ago, Tony and I decided to divorce. I am still a mother, though no
longer a wife. I have always been pretty independent, but there has always been someone there
for me to call when I needed to be rescued or wanted someone to solve the
problem for me. When I was younger, it was my father. When I got married, it was Tony. Last week when my car broke down in the middle of an intersection, I had to handle it on my own. Not only did I successfully take care of the car, I have successfully dealt with whatever else has come up.
Riding
After coming back from Uganda, I added ‘get a motorcycle
license’ to my bucket list. Last November, I crossed it off. Shortly after, I
knew I wanted my own bike. Tuesday, Layla will officially become mine. Layla, you got me on my knees (I prayed
for over six months to make her mine)….Layla,
I’m begging darling please (I frequently asked my friend over the last five
months for a chance to ride her.)…Layla,
darling won’t you ease my worried mind. (Riding stops my head from
over-thinking everything.) My brother and sister have always ridden. I have
always jumped at any opportunity to ride on the back of a bike. I flipped a
dirt bike when I was 17, and as a result, I never saw myself as able to handle
a bike myself. And, yet, here I am!
Letting Go
We all have things from our past that haunt us. Those things
that shape us into the people we are today. Some in positive ways, others in
just the opposite. Parents. Religion. Experiences. Friends. I am no different.
When life changes come my way, they tend to all rear their ugly head and do
their thing. You know…make me feel like crap about myself. That has been true
at different times in my life. The last year gave me many more negatives. I
hung onto all of them. Letting them whisper into the essence of my being all
that was wrong with me. A couple of weeks ago a friend told me I needed to let
go of the negative energy I was holding onto. All those reasons I built up
walls to protect my inner being from hurtful feelings and experiences.
Unfortunately, those same walls meant to protect kept out so much more. I
thought about what my friend said for a long time. I knew there was truth in
the words. It is not easy to let go. Me? I do it through writing. Through the
simple act of writing a letter never to be sent, the letting go has begun. The
walls begin to crumble.
Awakening
I have always been a “live in the moment” kind of person. It
is who I am. Yet, if I had thought about the person I would be today way back
when, I am pretty sure it would not be anything like the ME I am becoming. A
runner. A single woman. A biker. I am awakening. Shedding all that I thought I
was supposed to be and being true to the ME I am inside. The sheer joy of it is
electrifying. The journey is far from over and what a journey it is!
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