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With Eyes Wide Open


Driving home from the race today, Creed’s song Arms Wide Open came on. As I sang along, an overwhelming sense of joy filled me and spilled from my eyes as I thought about where I have come in the last few years of my life. 
Me in 2005      ~        Me in 2013
Spank Blasing
I ran my first 5K ever on April 18, 2010. The Spank Blasing Race in Pueblo, CO. I never saw myself as a runner. Instead, I saw a race as something I wanted to cross off my list of things to do in my lifetime. My only goal was to run the entire race and not come in last. I ran as a fat woman, as in my weight was over 180. A friend who identifies herself as a runner ran with me the entire time – even when I needed to walk up a hill for a minute. My time was 36:59. Today I ran a race in Raleigh. Run for our Heros. This time I ran alone. I had a student and colleague at the race that I saw at the start and finish line, but when it came to running it was all me. My chip time was 27:13. In three years of off-and-on running, I took off close to ten minutes! Add to that I have run two-and-a-half half marathons and will be running a full marathon in October. It blows my mind. Never in my younger years did I envision myself as a runner.

Marriage and Separation
I was married for almost 20 years. I was a wife and a mother. When something went wrong and I needed help, I called on my husband to take care of it for me.  Flat tire. He came. Forgot something for work. A quick phone call and I would have it. Four months ago, Tony and I decided to divorce. I am still a mother, though no longer a wife. I have always been pretty independent, but there has always been someone there for me to call when I needed to be rescued or wanted someone to solve the problem for me. When I was younger, it was my father. When I got married, it was Tony. Last week when my car broke down in the middle of an intersection, I had to handle it on my own. Not only did I successfully take care of the car, I have successfully dealt with whatever else has come up.

Riding
After coming back from Uganda, I added ‘get a motorcycle license’ to my bucket list. Last November, I crossed it off. Shortly after, I knew I wanted my own bike. Tuesday, Layla will officially become mine. Layla, you got me on my knees (I prayed for over six months to make her mine)….Layla, I’m begging darling please (I frequently asked my friend over the last five months for a chance to ride her.)…Layla, darling won’t you ease my worried mind. (Riding stops my head from over-thinking everything.) My brother and sister have always ridden. I have always jumped at any opportunity to ride on the back of a bike. I flipped a dirt bike when I was 17, and as a result, I never saw myself as able to handle a bike myself. And, yet, here I am!

Letting Go
We all have things from our past that haunt us. Those things that shape us into the people we are today. Some in positive ways, others in just the opposite. Parents. Religion. Experiences. Friends. I am no different. When life changes come my way, they tend to all rear their ugly head and do their thing. You know…make me feel like crap about myself. That has been true at different times in my life. The last year gave me many more negatives. I hung onto all of them. Letting them whisper into the essence of my being all that was wrong with me. A couple of weeks ago a friend told me I needed to let go of the negative energy I was holding onto. All those reasons I built up walls to protect my inner being from hurtful feelings and experiences. Unfortunately, those same walls meant to protect kept out so much more. I thought about what my friend said for a long time. I knew there was truth in the words. It is not easy to let go. Me? I do it through writing. Through the simple act of writing a letter never to be sent, the letting go has begun. The walls begin to crumble.

Awakening
I have always been a “live in the moment” kind of person. It is who I am. Yet, if I had thought about the person I would be today way back when, I am pretty sure it would not be anything like the ME I am becoming. A runner. A single woman. A biker. I am awakening. Shedding all that I thought I was supposed to be and being true to the ME I am inside. The sheer joy of it is electrifying. The journey is far from over and what a journey it is!

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