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Something has changed


Words. Long paragraphs of descriptive writing bores me. Poetry put to music can move me. Kind words make me smile. Words can also set me thinking. The following words written by Marianne Williamson in her book, A Return to Love, did just that when a friend posted it on her page. (Thank you, Laurie.)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

The spirit of those words accompanied me for a good portion of my ride today. A ride that took me places I never meant to be and most of my day. Why is it so easy for me to embrace all that is inadequate about me? Whether it be how I view my body; myself as a runner or biker; or something as simple as me dating, I struggle to acknowledge the fabulous that is me. In the past few days, I have made a conscious effort to see myself as brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. As a result, something has changed.

I typically look at my body in the mirror and see fat. I may hear myself say, “I love my body.” Yet, my eyes are not convince when they see a fat, huge stomach on a somewhat pretty woman. My subconscious has whispered to the essence of my soul ever since I had Sean 25 years ago, “You aren’t good enough to be thin.” I believed it. I clung to my fluff as armor to protect me from exposing what is inside.

Me a runner? I laugh out loud every time I think about it. I am not the jock; that is my sister. I was the bookwork, theater geek. I run. I set goals for myself. A 5K? Half marathon? Full marathon? Sure! I can do them all. I have the outfit; was fitted for running shoes; and I even wear the GPS watch. Hell, I am training for a marathon! Do I identify myself as a runner? Not at all!

I crossed off ‘get motorcycle license before 50’ last April. The following January, I left my husband and began saving for a bike. Not just any bike. My bike. The one I rode for the first time on my 49th birthday. Jamie lent me a helmet. A visit to the flea market and I bought my leathers. In March, I joined Rolling Thunder. May 1st Layla came home with me. Even as a rode, whether on my own or with a group, I never saw myself as a biker. My riding consisted of putting along, slowing way down in the curve, and not staying close enough.

Dating is new to me. I haven’t dated for over 20 years. In the beginning, it was fun. An adventure. I had no intentions of a commitment or long-term relationship of any kind. And then somehow a want for companionship crept in and changed the care-free way I had been dating. A couple of men piqued my interest. In my mind, the reason I do not hang out with any of them any more has everything to do with me.

Brilliant. Gorgeous. Talented. Fabulous.

The change began with the way I see my body. I look at it in a very different way now. I see it as smaller. The scales say it weighs less, but who knows about size? More importantly, who cares? I am gorgeous.

Running. It is what I do. I enjoy it. I read up on the best way to pace, what to eat, and wear the right clothing. How I identify myself doesn’t matter. I do it. My body loves me for it. My well-being appreciates it. I may not be the fastest one on the course, but I can go the distance. My talent lies in the tenacity with which I set my running goals and then meet them.

When the students at Franklin Academy think about a biker, most of them picture me. I laugh out loud every time I think about that. Yet, those kids (and their parents) see a 49 year old woman who is able to successfully ride a motorcycle. Time for me to do the same. There is a lot that goes on when riding. Not only do I have to use all the skills needed to drive the bike, I need to pay attention to what is happening around me. Brilliant may be a bit of a stretch. Instead, it is confidence that has set in. With it, a relaxed ride through a busy highway during rush hour.

Fabulous. I am fabulous in so many ways. It will take someone special to be able to appreciate my unique kind of fabulous. In the meantime, I do not take it personally when he can’t handle all that I am.

Something has changed. I am choosing to see all that is brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous inside of me. 

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