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Bare Naked (my soul that is)


I always wondered what it looks like when one bares their soul and shows all the ugliness that resides within. I know the discomfort of baring my body full of flab and wrinkles. Conscientious of every imperfection. In the past, I was afraid of being rejected because of what my stomach looked like. I have moved beyond that. The majority of the time, I see my body as beautiful – imperfections and all. The soul is a different matter. Would I ever be willing to let anyone see the malevolence of what lies within?

This past year I have focused on becoming a better me. The me I want to be. I find myself feeling deeper than I ever have in the past. Feelings are so strong they tend to overwhelm me…such joy that I feel the need to dance and sing. Happiness making it imperative to pass on to a stranger. The yin side of things is easy. It is the yang that took me by surprise today. The ugliness of the negative feelings of anger, insecurity, and frustration stripped away all else and left my soul bare naked

I own my behavior. It is mine. I acted in a way I never have before in a meeting. I yelled. I swore. I cried. I could not quell the burst of emotion which sprang forth. It matters not what the antecedent was. I reacted in the moment. It was only after being asked to leave while I was sitting in the waiting room sobbing that I realized being in the moment isn’t just about the good times. It is about all of it. The chaos. The ugliness. The raw emotion. 

I was able to center myself and go back to the meeting to do what needed to be done. However, as soon as I walked out the door, the tears began to flow again. All the ugliness of anger and hate rushed through me. My soul was once again on display. What would I do with it? I chose to share the ugliness with a few people close to me. Most got it through texts as they live too far away to meet in person. 

I knew I had to pull myself together before going home. I wanted to be alone. A safe distance away from those close to me. I did not want them to see the ugliness of what I couldn’t hide.  I am not talking about the red blotches that covered my face, nor my red eyes or nose. No. I did not want anyone to see the inside of me I have been protecting most of my life. The ugly parts of my disposition. And yet I found myself accepting an invitation to meet a friend.

While I waited for our meeting time, I sat alone in the parking lot listening to music and I focused on the feelings surging through me. I welcomed them. All of them. I was done. Emotionally spent. How would my friend respond to the tears that would not stop flowing? The anger that resided deep within? The insecurity of the woman I am? The frustration of it all? I gave myself permission to be vulnerable. What would he do with my bare naked soul?

He accepted it. He listened as I ranted. Waited as I cried. Reminded me that I would heal. He accepted me at my most vulnerable. He found the beauty within the chaos. I jumped off the edge and took the risk to open myself up. Peace surrounded me as I left. The ugliness will be purged in time as I go through the grieving process of the change in family dynamics. In the meantime, I will continue to find joy and happiness in life as the ugliness seeps away.


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