Jumpin' Off the Edge

My brain often goes 800mph. Today is no different. A myriad of thoughts swirl around waiting for me to play with them for a bit. Along with the few represented here are thoughts about school, my children, future goals, my to-do list, and so much more. The three here are the ones that have taken up the majority of my headspace recently. SEAN’S HOMECOMING This morning I learned that Sean is returning from his deployment earlier than my arrival out west. I will not be one of the first to hug him tight when he is finally released into the civilian world. I called the airline to see about changing my ticket. $600 to make the change. That won’t be happening. As I was sinking into the doldrums, I realized I get to give my boy a hug. Today is the two-year anniversary of the death of SPC Lucas Elliot. I never had the honor to meet Lucas. Instead, I know of him through his mother and friends. None of who had the opportunity to welcome him home with a hug. When shifting my perspec...

Ever since I can remember, I have spent the 4th of July with family or friends doing the usual picnic and fireworks. This year, I spent it alone. However, I did not stay home and sulk. Enjoy some of the images from my day. It all began with a 7 1/2 mile  hike at Umstead Park. I followed the blue triangles because we all know what my sense of direction is like.  (I don't really have one.) Due to all the recent rain, many of the bridges were deemed out of order. But I didn't let that stop me. I walked right across and enjoyed the scenery.  The river  Colorful mushrooms  When I saw a blue triangle on the ground,  I knew it was a message to stop and snap a picture.    The powerlines taunted me after last week's walk through the ones near my home after my run.  (I chose to stay on the path instead of going after the succulent blackberries.)  I did go off the path to check out the old cemetery. I wa...

I have a secret. It has been a secret for 44 years. Oh, I told a few people. However, when I told them, I brushed it off because I didn’t see it as any big deal. I mentioned it in passing to my parents when I was 16. Throughout the next 30 years, I told people here and there. Each time, brushing it off. Long ago, I packed the memories and feelings that went along with the secret in the deep, dark recesses of my mind. Little did I know the impact the secret would have on my life. In hopes of taking back what is mine, I am telling. I was a victim of sexual abuse. When I was five, a young man pulled my nightgown up, laid on top of me, and told me, “It’s ok. It’s what people do when they love each other.” While no physical penetration took place, his words penetrated my subconscious. From that moment on, love equated danger. I told no one. There were a couple of other instances of what I now know to be sexual abuse with different perpetrators. The last one was a date...

To Do List Move into apartment Hang pictures Buy table and chairs Fix tub drain Fix motorcycle  In the past when I needed to do anything on the list above, I let somebody else do it for me. When I was young, it began with my father. After I got married, it was my husband. I don’t know where I got the message that a man needed to take care of things for me. This week, MANdie took care of things. I know there are people out there who would have helped me with anything on the list, but the sense of satisfaction when I took a shower and wasn’t standing in water up to my knees was so much more rewarding than if a friend came to rescue me. Originally, I asked friends to help me with the move. My impatience made me do it myself. Everyone who could help was working during the day. I had the key. I wanted to be in my own space. Within an hour, I had my girls and my car packed with my first load. We three girls lugged it all upstairs. We did it a few mo...

I crashed today. As I sat on the side of the road looking at my bend up rear brake peg trying to figure out who to call, I couldn’t help but enjoy the sunshine. I finally called a mobile bike shop before getting comfortable to text a couple friends. The intent was to keep the crash my little secret. I learned that when one is sitting on the side of the road waiting for the rescue chariot to arrive, someone I know will inevitably recognize me and stop. As embarrassing as it was to admit I crashed, the opportunity to talk to him about what caused it was invaluable. After that it was easy to tell a couple of other biker friends. The really awesome part? The caring and support that came as a result of me admitting what happened. In the half hour I waited, the people I told checked on me repeatedly. I am fine. My bike is fine. I moved today. For the past six months, I have been living with a friend and her family.  They welcomed me into their home and treated me as ...

After moving out, I made the decision to buy a bike instead of finding my own place to live. Right away. I moved in with a friend and her family. People who don’t ride questioned my decision. I have had my bike for a month now and know it was the right choice. For the friendship Layla and I are forming has taught me much already. 1.      I can find my way on my own. It started the night I brought her home was my first time riding solo. My friend was not in front of me guiding the way, pointing out hazards, or checking to see how I was doing each time we stopped. 2.      I have strength. The first time I dropped Layla was in a parking lot after riding on 95 and passing two campers.  It is fair to say my nerves were a bit shot. That day friends were with me and helped me pick her up. Last week, I dropped her again when doing a slow turn on a bit of a hill in a parking lot. It wasn’t easy, but I picked her up all b...

Memorial Day. A long anticipated three-day weekend. I will be riding and going to a baseball game today. Enjoying time with family and friends. Yet thoughts of those who gave it all are permeating through it all. For Sean and his unit, it is another day at war. Not only will they be remembering their brothers-in-arms, especially Staff Sgt Rayvon Battle, they will be driving over to another FOB to pick up a truck that was being worked on. A simple drive to the garage. Except it’s not. Combat driving is the way Sean put it. They will gear up, get their guns at the ready, and do what is necessary. Knowing they will be shot at. Not knowing the outcome. The last time I saw (as in Skyped) Sean, it was Mother’s Day. A firefight could be heard in the distance. I think about the mothers who are remembering their sons today. The Gold Star Mothers. I cannot even imagine what it was like for them to have that uniformed soldier knock at the door. Ma’am on behalf of...