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Ranting and Questioning


Little claws have taken hold of my neck. A need to lie down and close my eyes overwhelms me. It has been so long since I have let stress into my life I almost didn’t recognize it. I am in need of a deep tissue massage. A day of lying on the sand, listening to the sounds of the waves as I drift off into an alternate reality while the sun beats down on me.

I want to write words ranting and raving about the frustration of the bureaucracy that is public school. However, ranting solves nothing in and of itself. Therefore, I have challenged myself to add a solution or a positive twist on the rant. Maybe after letting it all out, I will be able to relax and let sleep overtake my body.

RANT #1
A few months ago I was contacted by my cousin and asked if we could use some better computers at school. Of course, my answer was YES! (The computers could be a rant unto themselves.) Having learned the protocol of working for a big county, I CALLED THE COUNTY OFFICE MONTHS ago only to be told that they would take it over. YESTERDAY, I got an email asking me to fill out a form to get the computers. In order to fill out the form, I need the number of how many students are on free and reduced lunch. After being sent to four different people, I am now playing phone tag to get the information. The form is not yet filled out.

Positive Take/Solution:
The computers are being reserved for us. I will be able to get the information needed to fill out the paperwork eventually. I am taking an active role to better the technology in our school. And I am getting the opportunity to try out patience. (Yuck!)

RANT #2
Sean goes into the Army on Monday. We get to take him up to Raleigh and say our goodbyes until whenever. No rant there. I am proud of him for going after his goal. Today I requested my personal time. MY PAY GETS DOCKED $50 TO TAKE A PERSONAL DAY!!! I am at school for 10-12 hours everyday. I have never taken a sick day.

Positive Take/Solution:
My family comes first. I will be going with Sean up to Raleigh. I will be saying goodbye. I will also be making a doctor’s appointment for first thing in the morning so I can legitimately take a sick day. (I have been needing to go anyway.) I know now to avoid taking personal days in the future.

RANT #3
Our teaching team of 15 teachers (way too many to be as effective as we could be) has a weekly meeting every Friday afternoon. Due to a dance this past Friday and a few other things out of our control, we had no meeting last week. THIS MORNING I read an email stating that I had to attend a mandatory meeting from 3:45-5:00 today. I COACH SOCCER! We had no practice Friday (dance) or Monday (no school). We have a game tomorrow. TODAY WAS OUR ONLY PRACTICE BEFORE THE GAME! It is not so much meeting I am ranting about, but rather the short notice of the meeting.

Positive Take/Solution
I went to the meeting for 40 minutes. I was able to be a part of what was going on. My players had a chance to get their homework done or at least started. It is over. It has been let go.

Now that I look at my list, I realize I really don’t have much to rant about. Thinking positively has enabled the poison of what was frustrating me dissipate into the air. Unfortunately, the teacher in me is not so easy to let go of the negative. I have lost touch with some of my students. While I recognized a big change one of my students had made, I did not mention it to her until she showed me a poem she had written naming me as part of the reason for the change. Another student wrote an elegy for class that was read at her grandfather’s funeral. I had read the poem, yet didn’t catch that her grandfather had died within the last couple of days. The small group of students I have been teaching intensive skills for their End-of-Grade Test, showed very little growth. I ask myself on a daily basis, “Will they be ready for this God-awful test? Am I preparing them to the best of my ability?”

Hiding somewhere inside of the doubt is the knowledge that I am a good teacher. However, the questions about my ability remain. Do the students know when I question myself? Should I have spent an extra six hours planning this past weekend rather than being selfish and reading a book or going to a movie? I have no doubt that all these questions will cease to matter when spring break finally gets here in three weeks. I am ready. Ready to lay on the beach. Ready to forget school for a little bit. Ready to run away and get in touch with me again.

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