T & I (In which the 'T' overshadows the 'I')

Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Melons. Ta-tas. Whatever you want to call them, I can’t get them off my mind. Not anybody’s breasts in particular. Mine. Today I went for my diagnostic mammogram. Most people I spoke to told me not to worry about it. Many friends told me they have had to go back for one, only to find out it’s nothing. I was all set to have some fun with it and wear tassels to my next appointment. (Until I found out tassels were $20!! The tassels would have to wait for another time.)

 

“I was all set up to do a diagnostic on both of your breasts, but it looks like I only need to do one.” Alarms started screaming in my head even though what she said came as no surprise. I had found something irregular on the one to be offered up just a few hours before. I kept smiling as I went into my first pose. For those who have had a screening mammogram done, it is really no big deal. Your boob gets smooshed like a pancake and they take a picture. There is very little pain involved. I figured a diagnostic was the same thing.

 

And then the paddle came down. Imagine two bricks pressing together on a sensitive area of your body. Don’t stop there. Add some pressure. Lots of pressure. “Ooww! Wow! This hurts!”  I went back 14 years and started using the breathing techniques I was taught to use during childbirth. Like childbirth, feeling intense pain once wasn’t enough. I had to go through it another three times.

 

“I am going to go show these to the radiologist. Why don’t you wait where you changed.”

 

I sat down in the tiny changing room trying not to wrinkle my interview outfit I would need to put on soon. I held the snazzy hospital gown shut and began the long process of waiting. I really didn’t expect to hear anything about what was on the film. I thought she was going to see if the pictures came out okay.

 

“We were able to compress it out of two of the pictures. However, there is still one that shows something. The radiologist will be speaking to your doctor. I am sure you doctor will be in touch with you.”

 

What if it’s cancer?!  I don’t have a job! My insurance will run out at the end of July. What would it be like if I had to have all of my boob cut off? What if they are catching it too late? How would I spend my last few months if it is terminal? My mind would not stop spinning and I had a job interview in an hour! It was a good thing I had to drive for 45 minutes. It gave me time to give myself a reality check.

 

By the time I walked into the school, I was ready to get the job. The interview went well. I wore the black suit with the polka dots. I was relaxed and answered all their questions. I hope my passion for teaching shone through. I really liked the principal and teachers I interviewed with. I will know at the end of the week if I get the job.

 

In the meantime, I continue to fill out applications for this summer as well as the fall. I will find out the next step for my medical stuff and I will face whatever I need to face when the time comes. Until then, I will keep repeating what has become my mantra, It is what it is.