Jumpin' Off the Edge

2K13. The year I found my voice and began a transformation. Yet rather than blog about my year, I made a movie.  I was telling my sister about being a bit down in the dumps on my birthday because my date cancelled on me and things didn’t go as planned with my girls. She responded with, “That’s because you didn’t go to the person you can always count on. You.”  I have been thinking about that a lot since she said it. My movie is one of love. Love for family, friends, students, strangers, and most importantly, me. You see, it is important to celebrate the ones we love. The pictures speak for themselves. If you listen closely, the songs do as well. Each one chosen for a specific purpose. You’re the Reason – Awhile back Patti gave me the song and told me it reminded her of our relationship. It made me cry. I cried again today when I chose it realizing that even with the change in our family dynamics, my children give me what I need to soar. Walk -  “I’m learning to wal

On October 27, I crossed the finish line of the Marine Corps Marathon. I know many would like to hear all about it. Words would not do the experience justice. There is no way to convey the emotions in the days leading up to the big race. Time spent at Walter Reed Hospital with three very special Wounded Warriors. Meeting the man that Sean helped save when he hit an IED. Loneliness and fear the night before because of no one to celebrate with at the finish line. The anticipation of the starting line. Running through the blue mile reading every single one of the displayed names of men and women who have died in this war. The tears that overtook me at mile 24. Woody’s voice playing in my head. Crossing the finish line and feeling at the peace celebrating alone.  (My celebrating came the next day with my students.) My students spend more time with me than anyone else. I kept them informed of the entire marathon journey. They supported me with posters, cards, and m

Me! Running a marathon! Who would have ever thought?! Certainly not me, let alone anyone else that knew me back in my 20s and 30s. Yet, here I am. All dressed out in my special running clothes waiting to head to the starting line of the Marine Corps Marathon. Last night was a night of little sleep. I went to bed early and sleep came almost immediately. Yet, every half hour I was awake looking at the clock. I was sure I would oversleep. Today will be a day I will run. I will do as my sister suggests and Be sad. Run Happy. This race is where the baggage along the way gets left behind and the transformation from runner to marathoner to strong, independent woman happens in a tangible way. Watch out world. Here I come!

The weekend of the Marine Corps Marathon is here! I was feeling pretty much ready, but there was still a bit of doubt. Today, all that doubt was erased with a simple visit to Walter Reed Medical Center.   I wasn’t sure what to expect. I have volunteered several times in the psych ward in the VA hospital close to home. I was pretty sure this visit would be nothing like that. And it wasn’t. I met three incredible men who will be the ones carrying me when I hit my wall.  Right from the time I met him, the easy-going cheerful nature of Douglas or Charles depending on what I preferred, kept me smiling. He brightens up whatever room he is in. The discussion of the best costumes for amputees had me in stitches. They all took advantage of their lack of legs. His plan is to be Yoda. (Anybody know where he can get a costume in the next couple of days.) There is nothing that will stop him. He is currently in the market for legs that can be worn with waders.  When that wa

  As the day of the big race draws closer, I am overcome with emotion. Upon looking at the picture above (thanks Deb), I realized the Marine Corps Marathon has become more than a race to me. It is not about the race, it is about the transformation into the woman I am becoming. It is about believing in the woman I am. It is about me. When I signed up for the race back in March, I was mired in loneliness and the desperation of wanting companionship. In the three months before the training began, I bought Layla (my motorcycle), moved into my own place, and spent a lot of time alone – the way I have done the majority of my training. In the past, when training for a longer race, I frequently ran my long runs with running partners. This time, it was all me with the exception of one long run. (That was the 14 mile run I pulled my hamstring. I was so thankful to have Rebecca with me to give guidance on what to do so I could continue the run.) My runs were done without m

This one goes out to all the men and women who are willing to sacrifice their lives, peace of mind, and whatever else is asked of them to maintain our way of life. Walking up to the state capitol today, I could tell it was going to be different from the other times I attended the reading of the names to remember the men from North Carolina still unaccounted for from the war in Southeast Asia (better known to us as the Vietnam War).  A crowd of veterans was gathering on the lawn of the capitol as the area around the Vietnam War Memorial was prepared. Flags for the US, NC, NCVVI, and each of the military branches were placed in the ground. The sound system put in place. And the missing man table set for another month of remembrance. The lawn was abuzz with men and women sporting the patches of Rolling Thunder, American Legion Riders, and Combat Veterans.  All here to remember the 41 from North Carolina who have yet to come home. The past few months I have attended, spectators stood

What most of you don’t know is that I was about to give up the whole idea of the marathon. Until today, it had been four weeks since I had run more than ten miles in its entirety. The last two long runs I did were a month ago. And I walked a chunk of each of them. My reasoning had everything to do with it being too hot, too dehydrated and/or telling myself I needed to be able to run again after walking. And then, I realized I screwed up and started my training by two weeks early. For the next two weeks, I didn’t do any long runs. The week I went camping, I brought my running stuff, but never took it out of my suitcase. Somewhere in all of this, I was over it. Done with running. Last night, I got a message from a friend who is running the Marine Corps Marathon because of me. She signed up never having run anything more than a 5K. She signed up because I believed in her and told her so. Her message came at the perfect time. We made plans to meet for breakfast, which

Dancing. It is one of my favorite activities. When dancing to live music, it is all the more enjoyable. Last night, I went out with a friend to hear a local band at a small venue. It was a great night of dancing! I don’t think I ever danced with the same person twice. It was about having fun and being carefree. My drink of choice for the evening? Water. What a blast! While dancing the night away, I noticed a few things. 1.      Walking to the dance floor for the first time of the evening takes a bit longer than the rest of the evening. 2.      Many times people are waiting for an invitation to join the fun on the dance floor. 3.      A carefree spirit tends to attract others to the dance floor. 4.      Many people want to dance, but are self-conscious about doing it in front of others (until they have a few drinks). 5.      The younger a person is, the longer it takes them to reach the dance floor (if ever). 6.      Men typically say they cann

Words. Long paragraphs of descriptive writing bores me. Poetry put to music can move me. Kind words make me smile. Words can also set me thinking. The following words written by Marianne Williamson in her book, A Return to Love , did just that when a friend posted it on her page. (Thank you, Laurie.) “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” The spirit of those words accompanied me for a good portion of my ride today. A ride that took me places I never meant to be and most of my day. Why is it so easy for me to embrace all that is inadequate about me? Whether it be how I view my body; myself as a runner or biker; or something as simple as me dating, I struggle to acknowledge the fabulous that is me. In the past few days, I have ma

The last few days people have not seen me online. With the exception of posting a couple photos to Facebook upon my arrival and a couple of texts to my kids, I made a conscious effort to avoid what I spend hours doing each day. As a result, life slowed down, yet time went much too quickly. I also left my mini-vacation feeling relaxed.   Wild ponies roam freely on Assateague Island in Maryland. (Of course, that was one of the pictures I posted on Facebook as soon as I saw them.) After listening to the Ranger emphatically tell me not to approach them because they are aggressive and will bite, I got a bit freaked out when one put its head in the window of my car when I first arrived. My heart rate quickened and I quickly shut the window and made sure to give the pony a wide berth the rest of the night. By the end of my stay, when the same pony walked right up to me and put his face in mine, I was not concerned in the least about being bitten. Campfires are one

The original plan was to go up to PA for a HOG Open House at the Harley plant. A few days later upon noticing the date was swapped on the calendar with a benefit ride, plans were changed to meet at Ocean City Bike Fest. And then, life happened and plans needed to be changed again. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. Instead of spending the day moping about it, I looked for opportunities to make it a great weekend. The weekend is not over and already it has been fantastic! I HAVE TO GET A PACEMAKER. I’M AFRAID. I DON’T LIKE THE HOSPITAL. WILL YOU COME VISIT ME? The text came Friday while I was on a field trip. The parent of a student I had taken under my wing a few years back. I told her I would be there when we returned sometime around 8. Walking through the hospital (and getting lost several times), I felt a surprising surge of energy.  I hadn’t seen either mother or son in almost a year. It brought joy to my heart to see this 15 year old taking such

Was it just this morning I was all sad, down-in-the-dumps, and a bit angry because my riding date didn’t show up, call, or answer any of my attempts to get in touch with him? I have been the gambit from “I am not good enough!” to “Something horrible must have happened to him or someone in his family.” (I even went so far to Google area motorcycle wrecks.) And then I hung out with Layla for the day. When I set out this morning, I knew a couple of my friends were riding, but I wasn’t sure if I would ride alone or with them. I got Layla’s pipes rumbling and set out to meet them. When I arrived, neither of them were there yet. I debated gassing up and heading somewhere to get lost. About the time the tank was full, a man came over and asked me for $4.00 to get home. I don’t know the whole backstory. Something about needing the money to buy gas for a ride home. I bought him a slice of pizza and a drink. As I walked out of the store, I saw the other two bikes parked besi

I have hung out with many men in the last few months. Some as friends, others dates. I enjoyed a plethora of activities with them: riding, movies, working on my car, drinks, and texting among other things. We have met in a variety of ways: the flea market, online dating, craigslist, and belonging to common groups. Some of these men are pretty amazing as far as the species goes, others not so much. However, the man I spent a chunk of last week with was by far my favorite. If ever I have a partner in my life again, I want it to be one with qualities my son has developed. Go with the flow kind of guy. When meeting him at the airport, the plan was for Sana and I to surprise him at the gate. Unbeknownst to us, he was with Patti and the flag line after security. Rather then getting upset or impatient at having to wait for us to get to him, he laughed it off. We laughed about it all week. Giving. The first thing Sean gave me when he stepped off the plane (after a hug

The past few weeks have been filled with melancholy. There is nothing in particular that caused me to be so down. So blah. Tears came unexpectedly. Private journal entries were written. I wondered if anyone kept track of me. I looked to the positive. I even identified it. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not get what was inside to match the smile on my face. It was at a low point that the unexpected came along and reminded me “life is good”. The unexpected came in the form of a friend of the plane coming to town and spending the evening laughing, bonding, and making plans for the next time. I conquered a six-mile run after not being able to complete a four-mile run due to a sore hamstring only a couple of days before. And, then tonight, I went to my Rolling Thunder meeting. I always look forward to seeing my friends from Rolling Thunder. The welcoming hugs. The conversation. Getting together for a common goal. Every time I go to a meeting, I leave feelin

The Hug So much is communicated through the simplicity of a hug. I like hugs. In the past year, I have come to realize how important they truly are to me. I crave them. Whether it be saying goodbye to my children, the end of a Rolling Thunder meeting, or connecting with a friend, a hug communicates more than words ever could. Friday night at Portland International Airport was no different. No words were spoken, yet volumes were said through touch. My son, my little boy was back from war. The absolute joy of seeing him in one piece surged through me as I held him close. The man who had offered so much wisdom to me as I struggled with life changes while going through his own hell gripped me back tightly. I wish there was a way to convey the juxtaposition of my motherly "everything is going to be okay" hug with that of the Sean's "you've got this" hug. The best hug ever! It was just what I needed. I am pretty sure it was what he needed as well. The best

The text came at 2:03pm. Planes have landed, soldiers debarked turning in firearms now. Will see him in less than two hours. Immediately, a smile lit up my face The 7 th period lesson forgotten and unimportant as I told the students the good news My boy was safely on American soil. “Mrs. Victor, are you going to get all emotional on us?” How could I not? This is the day I had been waiting for. The day my soldier son no longer had bullets flying at him. The bell rang. I was left alone. Unexpectedly, the tears came. With the tears, relief that he made it home in one piece. And the guilt started creeping in I should have been there when he got off the plane. I should have gone out for the 18 th instead of thinking they are always delayed. I should have taken more time off ‘just in case’ A colleague stopped by and Reminded me of what was important I get to see my son tomorrow night! Gratitude took over when I remembered He is