Jumpin' Off the Edge

My mind is never still. I am always thinking. Wondering. Questioning. Needing to get it out. To process. Even in all the adventures and goodness of my life, doubt sets in. The writing below gives a glimpse of the uncertain me. (**Note to Mom…Tony and I are as strong as ever. He has heard all this in the verbal form before it hit the blog.) Emotions taking over my brain Questions of inadequacy filling my head Empty of the confidence that fills me in the classroom Reflecting on the past I discover I am restless A tumbleweed No roots to keep me in one place Flitting here and there Scattering seeds before giving myself over to the wind again In the shadows – my family Loving me Supporting me Letting me be me Me unfulfilled in society’s role of wife and mother guilt and selfishness cascading as realization of incompetence at home fills me If only…. We had stayed in one place from the beginning I was a better wife……a better mother I was more giving I could give up control I was more of a

At the stroke of midnight 2010, I was in New York City celebrating the year with a bunch of teachers from Uganda. I looked around me wondering how my life had gotten so good. My life was turning out quite different from the way I planned it 30 years before. Little did I know that 2010 was the year my life would begin anew. The year of reconnections. 10. The Unexpected From chickens to unemployment, private school to public school, house of four to a house of two, Sean moving back and a pimping Caddy, the unexpected continued throughout the year. It began with Stu Pecker Feathers, the chicken that wandered into our yard in the middle of the city of Pueblo. Stu found herself a place to roost and laid a dozen eggs before we said goodbye. As the school year ended, I found myself questioning if private school was where I wanted to be and Tony found himself out of a job. I found myself living in North Carolina with Patti, while Tony lived in New Hampshire with Sana. Surprisingly, Patti thriv

Living alone is easy. Add one more person to the equation and it becomes a bit more challenging – especially when that person is a 13 year old. But in time, we figured it out. Somewhere in there, Beatrice joined us. With Thanksgiving came the joy of the five of us together for the week. And then reality set in as Tony and Sana began their trek back to New Hampshire. Our household of two was now a household of three as Sean made himself a home with us.   For the first five years of Sean’s life it was just he and I. How difficult could it be to have my 22-year-old son living with me again? A mother couldn’t ask for a better son. He is loving, kind, intelligent, and hard-working. He has grown into a fine young man who has lived on his own for the past three years. He has his own way of doing things.   I have my way of doing things. Needless to say, the two clash a bit. I tend to go with the flow and do things (supper, adventures, etc) as the mood strikes. He likes to plan everything u

Usually 4 th block Math class is filled with chatter. On Tuesday, all was quiet. I peeked in at my students from last block wondering what was going on. They were all sitting quietly reading their Goodwill Cards. My first year teaching I began a tradition that has continued ever since. They began as Christmas Compliments, an assignment where students wrote a positive comment or compliment to each of their classmates. The day they left for Christmas break, I gave each student their envelope with cards from their classmates and me. It has been 17 years and the tradition continues, albeit, a new name to include students of all religions. Goodwill Cards are a warm fuzzy around Christmas time, but later on in the year, they are what keep me going some days. I know the same is true with students as well. One student read his card from Mr. Wilson. The student immediately sat down and wrote another card full of more feeling to Mr. Wilson. After school was out, I received a text from a st

  PA Announcement: Staff please get your Leading with the Heart nominations in this week. Nominations are due by Tuesday afternoon. * * * * *     From: Mandie Victor                      Monday – December 13, 2010     7:30 AM           T0: 7/8 Grade Teachers Subject: Leading with the Heart Hi All, I see that our Leading with the Heart nominations are due. What is that award and how do we go about nominating somebody? Smiles, Mandie * * * * * Conversation with the Assistant Principal Tuesday after school Mandie: What is Leading with the Heart all about? Mr. A: It is a way to recognize someone that goes above and beyond. Teaching is more than a job to them. It can be anybody – teacher, custodian, cafeteria worker. Nominations are made. If more than one person is nominated, the staff will vote to choose the one they want to represent our school. Mandie: What happens for the person chosen? Mr. A: The county has a banquet for all the teachers chosen from each school

 From the time I began this blog, I made the conscious choice that I would be honest and open in the moment – whatever is going on. For the most part, I have done that.  After struggling about whether to write about this particular challenge (let alone share it), I chose to do the uncomfortable and do both – write and share. “Your certification has not even been processed yet. Probably won’t happen until at least the middle of January.”  I took a deep breath as I heard those words a couple weeks ago and I realized what that meant. Christmas would look very different than originally planned. The retroactive pay that Santa was counting on to make the holiday something special for our family would not be coming. I took a deep breath as I hung up the phone and walked out of my classroom, despair bombarding the hope and excitement of the upcoming holiday. A tornado of thoughts began whirling in my head as I walked to the guidance office. Playing with our budget in my head trying to

It has been much too long since I have written. In that time, I have given thanks for my family who was able to come down to North Carolina for the week; friends who welcomed us at their table for the holiday; and friends both near and far who continue to support me in my endeavor. I have also experienced my first snowfall in the south. Speaking of which, let’s talk about the weather for a minute – it has been freakin’ cold! I keep hearing from the old timers that this kind of weather for so long is very unusual. I do like unusual, but not in this instance! My family of three officially joined the community by attending Christmas on Main. Upon arriving, Patti found some school friends and disappeared until it was time to go home. Sean and I walked up and down the street only to be stopped every few feet by someone who knew me – in most instances, one of my students. We enjoyed the parade of tractors, motorcycles, cars, and an occasional float or two. We shopped the local hardware