The Hardest One Yet

 From the time I began this blog, I made the conscious choice that I would be honest and open in the moment – whatever is going on. For the most part, I have done that.  After struggling about whether to write about this particular challenge (let alone share it), I chose to do the uncomfortable and do both – write and share.

“Your certification has not even been processed yet. Probably won’t happen until at least the middle of January.”  I took a deep breath as I heard those words a couple weeks ago and I realized what that meant. Christmas would look very different than originally planned. The retroactive pay that Santa was counting on to make the holiday something special for our family would not be coming. I took a deep breath as I hung up the phone and walked out of my classroom, despair bombarding the hope and excitement of the upcoming holiday. A tornado of thoughts began whirling in my head as I walked to the guidance office. Playing with our budget in my head trying to find the money for Tony and Sana to come down and also presents for the kids. Thinking about all our Christmas decorations still in Colorado.   Trying to determine how to stretch December’s paycheck for six weeks. Wondering what Christmas would be like without what was familiar. Slowly moving towards the guidance office, feet heavy, it was with tears in my eyes and great humility that I asked the guidance counselor to be put on the list for families in need. The next few days I spent in a funk.

As I went into work each day, I had difficulty finding the light-hearted joy that has been so easy the last three months. Always in the back of my mind, was the embarrassment of asking for help. I went through the motions as I taught. And then students began to come to me for help. As each student reached out, it became a bit easier to let go of the pride and shame. I focused on my students and soon the pure love of my job came bubbling out. My cry for help forgotten. Until today.

 Today was the Christmas Closet. Well before I knew my certification would not be coming through, we signed up to work the toy give-away for families in need. We were up at 6am and at the church at 7am for breakfast. Pink sheet of paper with Sana, Patti, and Sean’s name weighing heavy in my pocket, we moved over to the old middle school where the event would be taking place. Sean and Patti went to their stations while I took my place in line. Questioning what I was doing there. Texting Tony about my cold wait. Tony speaking my thoughts, “Our children have something on Christmas morning. An entire family that is intact. A loving extended family. A safe place to be an innocent child. A warm place to sleep, food to eat, and lights. Our family is much more blessed than some.” Tears came to my eyes as I read those words. I didn’t know what to do – stay in line for some of the traditional Christmas festivities or enjoy our blessings as a family knowing we don’t need presents wrapped in paper? The line began to move.

Still questioning, I swapped my paper for a number. Number 33. It wasn’t too late to get out of line. What was the right thing to do? I needed to talk to someone. I turned to Sean, who happened to be stationed with a pastor. After explaining my dilemma through tears, the pastor spoke with me about the importance of being able to receive as well as give. I heard my father in those words. I went inside and began giving (volunteering) until it was my time to receive.

 The Christian Christmas Closet is organized by eight area churches. They have been collecting donations throughout the year for this one day. Four rooms filled with gifts for those in need. Each child receives: a stuffed animal, game, DVD, book, gift, and three stocking stuffers. Over 50 people work the event. In the morning, families referred by the school arrive and in the afternoon, others in need. Over 500 children provided for. When my number came up, I did my shopping – albeit, less than allowed. I rushed through, still having difficulty accepting my position.

 I find myself much more comfortable giving. It was a family who was down on their luck and so grateful for what was provided who unknowingly taught me of the importance of receiving as well as giving. At the end of their shopping, they each gave me a hug and said, “Thank you! Our children will have presents under the tree because of this.” Why did I have such difficulty finding the same joy in accepting help? The smiles on their faces are burned into my memory. I can still see the mother’s hands - the word “LOVE” etched across her skin. The thanks, smile, and tattoo all came together as the importance of receiving dawned on me. Giving and receiving go hand-in-hand. You can’t have one without the other. To truly appreciate the pleasure in giving, one has to experience the gratification of receiving.