A mother and daughter relationship. Is there anything more tenuous? She tests every limit and button I have. Just when I think there are no more for her to discover, another one appears.
The nastiness that she spews gets into my pores as her poison spreads throughout my body. I long for escape. A time to listen to the silence respect brings. I remember the days when she would look at me with stars in her eyes. A “no” answer brought tears, which quickly were forgotten with a hug. Now she just looks at me with contempt when things don’t go her way.
When it was just the two of us, we had to rely on one another. We both found a strength we didn’t know we had and our relationship blossomed. Our weekends were filled with adventures of discovery. Weekdays meant school and soccer. As the rest of the family began to join us, it changed. She no longer needed me for everything. First there was her brother. Soon after, her father and sister. Eight months later, only the memories remain. Her desire to be a ‘respectful Southern girl’ forgotten.
I blame myself, as mothers often do. She blames a disorder that she researched online. I grow weary of exposing myself to whatever will come next. Discussions bring about more blame, never responsibility. As she escalates, there is enough blame to go around with none of it landing on her.
My responsibilities? I am responsible for loving her even at her meanest. I welcome her into my arms when she apologizes one out of every ten times. I wear the friendship bracelet she made for me to say “I’m sorry.” I am responsible for sharing my genes with her. For teaching her how to be a strong young woman and say what is on her mind. (I still have work to do in the area of when and where to say it.) I am proud of the young woman she is becoming. For better or for worse, she is her mother’s daughter.
Mandie--It does get better. I can remember growing up and not getting along with my mother. the things I used to do when there was no parent at home in the evening and sometimes in the day time. I tried to do thing different with my children but they still did things I did not want them to do BUT they have grown up to be people I am proud of. You can only do what you think is best at the time. I am sure everything will turn out well no matter how trying it seems now. Look at Sean he has turned out to be someone to be proud of. The girls will too. Remember they do love you. In 20 years they and you will laugh about how things were going today.
ReplyDeleteI love you and am very proud of you and your family. You do a lot for them and you do a lot for yourself. Keep telling yourself I will get through this with them and we will survive. In 4 years they will be out on their own whither it be working or school.keep your cool. Love Marguerite
Thank you, Marguerite! I know she is someone spectacular. Sometimes she makes it hard to see. Thank you for reminding me of the big picture.
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