Staying True to Me

When writing a blog or posting a status update on facebook, it is not written for people to tell me how to live my life. I know who I am does not fit the mold of who many people think I should be.  Throughout my life until my 20s, I did what people  expected of me (with the occasional rebellious act). I went to a Bible college and subsequently left when I broke the rules and went to see a movie. Thus began my early 20s – having fun running with a band while working waitressing jobs. All the fun of college, with none of the expense. Or education. 22 found me broke and moving back home to work at the local McDonalds. At 23 I was pregnant and single. When offered the opportunity to marry the father, I turned it down. No longer was I fitting into the mold of preacher’s daughter.  While my father immediately accepted my situation and continued to love me unconditionally, many others did not. When Sean was four, I was attending church and singing in the choir. The minister (not my father) came to my house to tell me that I should not be standing in front of the congregation singing until I asked them for forgiveness. See, an unwed mother has sinned and standing in front of church and singing praises to God is flaunting sex before marriage. I stopped going to church.

When I went back to college after Sean was born, it was not to party and have fun like the majority of my classmates, but rather to make a better life for my son. After using up all my savings (not much when making minimum wage), I had to ask for assistance. I was now on welfare. Once again, my life different from what was expected. During this time, I was living with a man (not Sean’s sperm donor) who drank too much. After two years, I could take it no longer. I moved back home. Again. But not for long, my parents were moving. Still eluding me was the ‘perfect’ life.

I was a single mother on welfare living on $300 a month. Throughout all of this, my image of who I was included a woman who was not worthy of nice things. I was, however, going to show the guidance teacher who always told me I wouldn’t make it in college how wrong he was. I graduated with a 3.9.

At 29, I had a son and a college education. Still missing from the ‘normal’ way of doing things was a job and a husband. I dated a bit during school, but mostly, it was about reaching my goal. In my mind, I didn’t see myself as being worthy of anyone. It was when I embraced the idea of Sean and I without anyone else, that I met Tony. Tony accepted and loved me (and Sean) for who we were and the path I had taken. I graduated college in May and was married in August. The job came shortly after. As did Sana and Patti.

Somewhere in the role of wife and mother, I lost the joy of what life brings and began going through the motions. Following the ritual of what was expected of me day after day. Losing myself in my husband and my children, but never feeling fulfilled. I know this is where some people will read this and not understand. I love my family. I would do anything for them. I admire and look up to women that find ultimate joy in being a stay-at-home mother. When I finally acknowledged that was not me, the fog was lifted.

At 40, I attended the National Writing Project. In that six weeks, I became a writer, a better teacher, and so much more. Under the light of the moon, I felt freer than I had in years. It changed me. Life looked different when I returned home. So far, my 40s have been my favorite decade by far. I have learned that I need to spend time with me out and about with friends or traveling alone in order to be a better wife and mother.

During my 40s, I have taught in Africa for six weeks, taken an East Coast vacation, and rocked out at concerts. All on my own or with friends. I have enjoyed day trips with my children and husband. Sometimes together. Sometimes not.

My latest adventure was quitting my job and moving to North Carolina. Once again, I do not fit the mold of what a ‘typical’ family looks like. Our family has been living in two households. Judgments have been made. When I was younger, what people thought mattered to me. I often changed who I was to gain acceptance. I don’t do that any more. I am choosing not to let what people think influence who I am. I am me. A woman who embraces what life brings, accepts that I fall outside of society’s norms, and is going to stay true to who I am.